Well we haven’t gotten as much snow as I wanted but I’m embracing what we did get. Kids are very excited we got new sleds. I used to love sledding so despite the fact that my “older me” isn’t excited about going out in the cold, I’m going to go sledding. I’m going to build a snowman. I also took a wonderful nap this afternoon in my snow lit bedroom and my warm cozy bed. 🙂 Flannel sheets are in the dryer and almost ready to be put on the bed. School has already been canceled for tomorrow so Christmas break is going to be extended. I wasn’t excited to have the kids home another day at first but I’m going to embrace the chance to sleep in another day…lol.
Most days you just have to embrace the ordinary. 🙂
Or, when. Using “Embrace” as my guide, I am trying to embrace where I’m at. You can look at that a couple different ways. Literally where I am. I’m not entirely happy in my actual location but I think it’s workable if I embrace it, instead of resisting it. Where I’m at in my life. Also something I resist but I’m not ready to tackle that right now because “where” I am right this minute is very emotional. I really am at a place of anger and resentment and if I really look at it, “when” I am is really the problem.
I am in the past. I am dealing with thoughts, feelings and emotions that I thought I had dealt with awhile back. I didn’t deal with them fully though. I felt all these things back then but judged them as irrational. Judged them as unfair. I thought what I was feeling and thinking was wrong so I tried to let what I considered to be more logical thoughts and feelings take over. I tried to operate based on the set of thoughts and feelings that I thought were more logical and valid. Turns out, that even if your feelings are illogical they are still valid to you. So they come back.
I don’t want to embrace these feelings. These thoughts. I want them to go away. I want to feel back to normal. Unfortunately, some hurts just don’t heal. “Everything Matters But Remember A Choice Exists. The “E” could stand for everyone in this case. Every one of my people matter to me but a choice exists. A choice must be made. I’m pretty sure that there is only one way for me to move forward from here. I don’t like the choices. I don’t know if I can really embrace any of my available choices. I will take some more time to process it all. Take some more time to feel these feelings. But I won’t take too much longer.
Have you ever read this blog, PeacefulMom? I’ve been reading it to prepare for some more changes I’m making and I noticed her “Word of the year” post and thought: “cool idea!”
So I sat down to think, what one word could guide me in the new year? It’s hard to pick just one. I settled on:
“Everything Matters But Remember All Choices Exist”
I’ll be embracing the new year. I’ll be letting go of the past. Embracing who I am and where I’m at and the choices I’ve made. I’ll post more about this later but I encourage you to pick your own word for the year! Happy New Year!
Who buy my children gifts for the holidays,
My house is jam packed. Each lovely daughter has enough clothes to skip laundry day for a month. And they do. Resulting in horrible messes. Most of what you bought them last year was trash or lost by June. This year, if you’d like to get them something thoughtful, check out this list:
A gallon or quart of paint and your body for a day. Their rooms are in desperate need and they want them to look pretty.
Take them to the fabric store and let them puck out fabric for bedding or something.
Best of all is an outing with you! We are always broke and can’t spend the extra to take them to the movies. Or dinner. Or bowling. They rarely care where they get to go. Hell you can drake them to your house to make cookies. Or cupcakes. And it would be the best gift EVER!
For the love of God, no toys, or clothes! Please. They truly don’t need any!
Therapists have been telling me for YEARS that I need to learn to practice self-care and to stop being so damn hard on myself so…
I’m going back to bed. I know that you may be thinking, “Gee Barb, that’s something you do a lot. What’s the big deal there?”
I’m going back to bed and I’m NOT GOING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I am not going to lay there feeling exhausted and not really sleeping because I “should” be doing something. I rocked the shit out of this morning. Kids were clean and to school on time, with everything they we’re suppose to take, and with a smile and a song. House is straightened, dinner is planned, my To-Do When I Get Up list is posted on the fridge. I can go back to bed not feeling like a bum. I do not need to mentally berate myself. I do not need to feel like I suck at life because I’m tired and need more sleep. ⭐️ for me!
Halloween is almost here which means my countdown is set to expire. I’m not to the “After Life” I was shooting for but progress has indeed been made. What a fucking year it’s been! Let’s review a little bit.
I made it out of a couple really nasty depression cycles.
I made it through a couple really nasty marital issues.
I got my ADHD kid (and my ADHD self) headed on a less rocky path through life.
There is less shit sitting around in my house an it’s relatively clean on a daily basis. No mountain of laundry hiding downstairs either!
I have much better boundaries in place and I’m getting much better at using the “N” word. NO DAMNIT!
My sugars are still in flux but the range they flux through is much better than it was.
I’ve lost about 20lbs and I have a little muscle showing.
We’re broke all the time again but..there are positives with that! Everything is current. There is ZERO danger of us losing the house. We only eat out 2 times a month. The kids are getting a more realistic picture of how money works and what one really needs (vs wants) to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love a much bigger cushion, but it’s not as horrible as it was before. I consider our finances in decent shape compared to where we started from!
Overall, in “The Big Picture” I think I’ve done pretty good. So, on November 1st, I’ll reset my countdown for another year because I’m still…
GETTING TO THE “AFTER” LIFE!!
I have a pretty keen sense of smell. Which is mostly good, even when it’s, well, bad. Maybe it’s my super power. Not only can I smell the normal stuff, but I can smell the not normal stuff too. Like lies, and fear, and pain and sickness. And…ghosts. I understand you’re skeptical, but lately the scientific community has given rise to an answer as to why I can smell these things and not be a crazy lady in need of medication. I’ll explain…
You see your brain’s memory center actually works more effectively when the information is paired with a scent. Being a scent based girl and a people person, I’ve just attached emotions and people to scents. For example, I know when my kids are really sick because they get sick breath. The scent of people with terminal diseases is more complex. The chatty lady at CVS whose husband abuses her, she smells of fear. Those things all suck. Nice ways that this works…when I walk into a room and can smell my grandmothers perfume, or my dads after shave, so I know their around, even though they are gone. I know, still sounds crazy. That’s ok. I feel better knowing that science shows it makes sense.
Practical ways this information can be useful? Study with a scent that you can take with you. Whatever scent makes sense to you. Perhaps you could think about your To-Do’s before bed while smelling the coffee grounds you’ll brew in the morning. Be creative with it! Scents have the ability to transform your day. I know this will sound awful to some but I’m pretty sure scent is why smoking calms me and makes me feel safe. Smoke and perfume. Same goes with beer & motor oil. Those are safe smells. Those are “all is right in the World” smells. What are yours?