Who buy my children gifts for the holidays,
My house is jam packed. Each lovely daughter has enough clothes to skip laundry day for a month. And they do. Resulting in horrible messes. Most of what you bought them last year was trash or lost by June. This year, if you’d like to get them something thoughtful, check out this list:
A gallon or quart of paint and your body for a day. Their rooms are in desperate need and they want them to look pretty.
Take them to the fabric store and let them puck out fabric for bedding or something.
Best of all is an outing with you! We are always broke and can’t spend the extra to take them to the movies. Or dinner. Or bowling. They rarely care where they get to go. Hell you can drake them to your house to make cookies. Or cupcakes. And it would be the best gift EVER!
For the love of God, no toys, or clothes! Please. They truly don’t need any!
Therapists have been telling me for YEARS that I need to learn to practice self-care and to stop being so damn hard on myself so…
I’m going back to bed. I know that you may be thinking, “Gee Barb, that’s something you do a lot. What’s the big deal there?”
I’m going back to bed and I’m NOT GOING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I am not going to lay there feeling exhausted and not really sleeping because I “should” be doing something. I rocked the shit out of this morning. Kids were clean and to school on time, with everything they we’re suppose to take, and with a smile and a song. House is straightened, dinner is planned, my To-Do When I Get Up list is posted on the fridge. I can go back to bed not feeling like a bum. I do not need to mentally berate myself. I do not need to feel like I suck at life because I’m tired and need more sleep. ⭐️ for me!
Halloween is almost here which means my countdown is set to expire. I’m not to the “After Life” I was shooting for but progress has indeed been made. What a fucking year it’s been! Let’s review a little bit.
I made it out of a couple really nasty depression cycles.
I made it through a couple really nasty marital issues.
I got my ADHD kid (and my ADHD self) headed on a less rocky path through life.
There is less shit sitting around in my house an it’s relatively clean on a daily basis. No mountain of laundry hiding downstairs either!
I have much better boundaries in place and I’m getting much better at using the “N” word. NO DAMNIT!
My sugars are still in flux but the range they flux through is much better than it was.
I’ve lost about 20lbs and I have a little muscle showing.
We’re broke all the time again but..there are positives with that! Everything is current. There is ZERO danger of us losing the house. We only eat out 2 times a month. The kids are getting a more realistic picture of how money works and what one really needs (vs wants) to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love a much bigger cushion, but it’s not as horrible as it was before. I consider our finances in decent shape compared to where we started from!
Overall, in “The Big Picture” I think I’ve done pretty good. So, on November 1st, I’ll reset my countdown for another year because I’m still…
GETTING TO THE “AFTER” LIFE!!
I have a pretty keen sense of smell. Which is mostly good, even when it’s, well, bad. Maybe it’s my super power. Not only can I smell the normal stuff, but I can smell the not normal stuff too. Like lies, and fear, and pain and sickness. And…ghosts. I understand you’re skeptical, but lately the scientific community has given rise to an answer as to why I can smell these things and not be a crazy lady in need of medication. I’ll explain…
You see your brain’s memory center actually works more effectively when the information is paired with a scent. Being a scent based girl and a people person, I’ve just attached emotions and people to scents. For example, I know when my kids are really sick because they get sick breath. The scent of people with terminal diseases is more complex. The chatty lady at CVS whose husband abuses her, she smells of fear. Those things all suck. Nice ways that this works…when I walk into a room and can smell my grandmothers perfume, or my dads after shave, so I know their around, even though they are gone. I know, still sounds crazy. That’s ok. I feel better knowing that science shows it makes sense.
Practical ways this information can be useful? Study with a scent that you can take with you. Whatever scent makes sense to you. Perhaps you could think about your To-Do’s before bed while smelling the coffee grounds you’ll brew in the morning. Be creative with it! Scents have the ability to transform your day. I know this will sound awful to some but I’m pretty sure scent is why smoking calms me and makes me feel safe. Smoke and perfume. Same goes with beer & motor oil. Those are safe smells. Those are “all is right in the World” smells. What are yours?
Wow, it’s been over a year here. My countdown is set to expire in a month and where am I? I’ve made some progress. Planted a garden. Kids are a little better in some areas. House isn’t such a mess all the time. I don’t spend every day in the black spiral of hate. But is it enough to call it a success? No. No it’s not. So it’s time to shake things up. Right now I’m sick but by next week…
My kids rooms will look more like this:
They’ll need to earn back their stuff. They have too many things in their life. They don’t take care of them and they don’t understand what goes into acquiring them. Gone are the days when they will lose their $200 iPod and not feel upset about it. Shakey shakey.
There’s gonna be more of this too:
Serious boundaries people. I can only take care of myself. Shakey shakey.
This is my new job:
Time to save some $$$!
I’m going full steam ahead folks. With only a month left to meet some goals it’s bound to be a bumpy ride. Shakey shakey!
Ah, free will. The right to choose your own destiny. God himself gave you free will. Know what else he gave you? The right to say “No Thanks. I would prefer You to make all the major decisions please. You give me the basic structure and rules to live by, I’ll take the little stuff.”
We all say we want to choose but given the volume of religious followers, I’d say we really don’t. Seriously,even the atheists do it. They took most of the basic tenants of faith and secularized it. Now they can claim to be more enlightened because they can follow the rules with no God over their head. Whatever man, your still following the rules either way.
The problem with choices is having to actually choose. I don’t really want to choose. For the most part I’d just prefer someone lay it all out for me so I can follow the routine. I think that’s part of the struggle for so many. The world is currently trying hard to convince you that personal choice is so amazing. It’s not so much. So those of us that would rather follow a routine, laid out and tested by many before us, are made to feel inferior. I’m not just talking religion here folks. Religion is just an example.
Let’s look at traditional values. Women rose up and demanded that they should get to choose if they wanted to go out and work. They have fought hard and still have not met their goal of equality. If you pay attention though, you’ll notice the newness has already worn off. The number of women I’ve met who now cry that they wish they could stay home. They can’t afford it. Their spouse (if they even have one) demands they work. They don’t want to feel inferior to working women. These things are all the result of making a wrong choice somewhere along the line. Now I’m not saying women should have stayed under the thumb of men, not at all. I’m saying that these women went so far off a path that had been established as fairly successful. Their freedom of choice allowed them to chuck it all, instead of tweaking the system. There are of course some women who are perfectly content in their new role, but it sure seems like that number is shrinking every day.
Surf the interwebs and see how many people are searching for a “simple life” now. Less is more is a new battle cry. I think if you dig a little deeper you’ll notice that what they are really looking for is fewer choices.
Just something to think about.
Maybe it’s my meds. Maybe it’s because I’ve been gone from home too long. Maybe I miss my dog. Maybe my shoes are too tight or my heart is too small but…
I’m tired. Emotionally tired. I want to curl in a ball and cry but I’m at the cottage and I can’t do that. It’s too late at night to go for a walk.
I’m tired of being a doormat. I’m tired of being the Good Guy. I’m tired of people making themselves feel big by making me feel small. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. And I’m tired of people always picking on my kids. I don’t want to be picked on either.
I’m not your go to girl. I’m not your good advice gal. I’m not worlds greatest mom either and my kids will misbehave. NEWSFLASH…so do yours! You just don’t see it so well and I generally don’t point it out. I understand some battles aren’t worth the fight and frankly, sometimes I think the kid should fucking win. I don’t want to pick up your slack. I don’t want to help you get your shit together. I just want everyone to take care of themselves for awhile. Pull your own weight for awhile. You don’t have to pull mine. Just take care of your own. And get outta my way! Cause I’m angry. And I’m tired. And I really just don’t give a shit about anyone else right now.
Your all on your own for a bit. Good Luck.
Smalls, Middle and their friend Red go to the park. Just before dark, Middle bursts through the door and it goes a little something like this:
Middle: We have a situation.
Us: What?! Where are Smalls and Red!?
M: Well Smalls is stuck in a baby swing and we tried and we couldn’t get her out so I ran home and Red stayed at the park with her but it’s dark!
(Insert much laughter, a grab of the camera and the rest of us loading in the truck)
We arrive to find this:
We took some “before pics”. Then we proceeded to extract her from the swing. This was not as easy as I thought it would be. That girl was wedged in there pretty tight! We did finally extract her but it’s good the Hubs came because there is no way I would have gotten her out alone!
Here is an after pic:
She will NEVER live this down! The “just hanging around” jokes will be going for a while. 🙂 woohoo SUMMER!
Just an update: the last month has been all the same. I get up, I do stuff, I don’t strangle the kids (well technically one day I started to strangle one kid but then changed my mind), I clean house, I garden, I read. Pretty boring. I’ll let you know when something cool happens, or something bad, I’ll let ya know 😉
I think I have done next to nothing for the past week. I don’t know why. There are thousands of things I’d like to do but I’m not doing them. Just can’t get my ass in gear. I’m forcing myself to do the basics but nothing more. I don’t feel crabby. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel restless and bored yet I sit. Wtf. Very annoying.
Here’s a flower.