New site

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I’m switching it up with a new blog. I know, I know but just in case you are bored check out Screw This I’m Napping

Or…you could just go nap 😉

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MIA,

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Sorry, so sorry…I have been totally MIA. I have spent that time wisely though, getting to the after, getting closer to the after. Except…

I considered changing the name of the blog or starting a new one because I’ve realized that the after isn’t someplace I can get to, it’s where I live already.

After I graduate.
After I get married.
After I have kids.
After the kids are in school full time.
After my Dad died.
After I get my own house.
After the hubs finishes school.
After.
After.
After.

My whole life is THE after! So then I felt lost. And I tried hanging out in the now for a bit. It’s still frustrating and overwhelming there. I still feel like a failure there. It still hurts there. But at least it feels real there. So it’s still a struggle to stay there, and sometimes I forget, but I try to keep coming back to now.

I’m not changing the name or starting fresh. Life isn’t really a clean slate. You carry it all with you and the fresh start comes when you change how you think. When you tell that voice in your head NO! NO, I will not wait till after. NO, I will not fail by not even trying. So, here I am.

NOW:
I’m making my health a priority. I’m eating better, I’m exercising everyday. Yesterday I even went on strike here at home. I will not be taken for granted. I will not put my needs last. I’m working on projects one step at a time. Most importantly is this:

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It’s a scheduled reminder on all my devices. It’s my mantra to get through each day. Every morning I will start where I am. Not after. Where I am. I will use whatever I have, and ya know what, I usually find that I have something. Not always what I’d like, or what might be best, but I have something. I do what I can. Sometimes that’s a whole hell of a lot and sometimes it’s only the very basics of survival. And that’s ok.

No promises on how often I will update but I will update. I’m walking the road less traveled my friends and I hope you will too!

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Embracing Spirit

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I have struggled, as with everything else in my life, with spirituality. I was raised Catholic but it never felt like a fit to me. I studied many religions. I settled, for quite a while on a Goddess based spirituality. It fit at the time, but over the last few years, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my connection with spirit. I long for the sense of community of my childhood. I almost miss the ridged rules and the very structure of it all. As always however, it doesn’t feel like a fit. But I need something. And so…

I shall Embrace the spirit of I DON’T KNOW. I will go back to truly exploring. To being open. To taking the time to feel and listen. Slowing down. Just being grateful for what “The Great Unknown” has given me. Or…whatever! Or whoever. It’s all ok.
Tomorrow is, as always, a new day!

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I have had it up to here!

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And here. And here. And….

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Here!

My front porch is flooding. Which is also seeping through my front door. And eventually to my basement I’m sure. I could curse the universe for not giving me a front porch with an overhang that would prevent the runoff from dropping right outside my door. Or I could be angry at the previous owners for not fixing the existing slab so it would drain off properly or for not finishing the install of the heat tape to keep the gutters from freezing over. I can be mad at my husband for not doing his “blue” job of properly clearing the snow from the porch and the roof (and the sidewalks for that matter) before it iced in the polar vortex or before today’s rains came. I could go on. Of course I could. But I am accountable and…

Accountability begins where responsibility ends.

I was not responsible so now I am accountable. I embraced my accountability by getting dressed for rain and using my meat tenderizer and grill spatula to break up and pry up the ice from the porch in the hopes that some of the water would drain. Now I’m soaked. And cold. And so angry at myself. It’s not just the porch. It’s everything! I am both too old for this shit and too young for this shit.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of being accountable. I want/need to be responsible. Well meaning friends tell me I work hard. I do a lot. I can’t do it all. And that’s only a 1/2 truth. For every one thing I do there are 14 I could have done. Probably 6 I SHOULD have done. So I’ll try to embrace my responsibility and at least do the 6 things I should do. It’ll take time and practice I’m sure. But I’m gonna try! I know it’s worth it because I know this feeling isn’t worth all the time I spent not doing what I should have.

Embrace the hard lessons

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I have been sitting here all day being angry. And depressed. Two things I have dealt with my entire life. It occurs to me that I have been dealing with these two things the same way my entire life. That my friends, is the true definition of insanity. I am insane because I keep expecting things to be different! I convince myself that I am going to do things differently. It’s similar to justifying a purchase in your head. I tell myself it’s different but it’s really all the same. How do I know? Because it ends the same. The same ending every time.

I have been spending a lot of time with my Guru. She’s the me I wish to be when I grow up. Tough as nails but soft and wise. The kind of smart ass that makes you think. She knows how to do so much! Cooking, baking, sewing, metal work, wood work. She amazes me. She’s great with kids. Stern but loving. She isn’t perfect but she’s perfectly flawed. At any rate, I bring her up because there’s something she has said on a regular basis. She says it to me for almost every problem I have. Whether it’s my child that struggles in school or me with my sewing. She always says “When did you last feel successful? We need to go backwards to where you felt successful and build from there. No matter how far back you need to go.”

So how far back do I need to go to feel successful? I have never felt successful at life in general. Bummer. Well then I guess I need to break that down into parts. There are parts. There are times I felt, for that brief shining moment, like I rock! I need to create a collection of those moments. That’s all life is anyway. Moments. There will be bad moments but I need to build more good ones into my collection. More successes. Guru says that if you can’t have some nice, fairly quick and easy wins outta the gate, you give up.

I need some wins. And I need to record the wins so I can remember them because I have a hard time remembering the wins. I can’t give up. Being angry and depressed doesn’t help. My friends can’t fix it. I have to get some nice easy wins. I have to build my own moments. I have to embrace the hard lessons and build off the successes. I have to stop justifying the crap in my head. I have to do the work! I have to hope for a different ending and have faith in myself that I can make it happen. I can be the woman I want to be. One success at a time!

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Ashes to ashes and dust to dusting?

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I can’t sleep because my mind is running so I thought I’d blog about it.

I’m behind schedule on my chores, with the holidays and all, and today I noticed that my urns are very dusty. These urns contain the ashes of my beloved dogs, Molly and Loki. This of course made me sad and upset with myself. How could I let them get dusty like that. This led me to wondering, what the hell am I going to do with these?! Letting them sit around was never the plan. But let’s go back a little in time for the sake of discussion.

I have family and friends who paid big bucks to get their pets cremated and, I’ll be honest here, at the time I thought they were batshit crazy! I mean seriously, $300 to cremate a dog? It’s just a dog. I love my dogs but, well, they are dogs. Whatever. It’s not my money. This was the attitude I had until the day that my sweet Loki died very suddenly.

She collapsed in the driveway one morning. We rushed her to the vets but she was already gone when we got there. I just couldn’t believe it. My husband was in tears. He wouldn’t even come into the vets. They left me to say goodbye to my big sweet dog but before that, they talked to me about what I wanted to do with her body. They explained all the options. I just couldn’t bare the thought of her going in some mass grave. So, batshit crazy, I paid $300 for private cremation and an urn. I don’t regret it.

Fast forward a little over a year. Loki’s urn had been sitting in a place of honor. This might sound awful but Molly was almost 13 when Loki died so I held off on doing anything with ashes because I knew Molly probably wouldn’t be that far behind. When poor old Molly finally did have to be put down, I had her cremated privately and her ashes returned just like Loki. It was this same time last year in fact, so the weather was horrible and I was going to do something in the Spring or Summer.

Spring and Summer came and went of course. I never decided exactly what to do with them. Those urns are right where I put them the day they came home. And now I dust them. Or I don’t, which is even worse. So I’ve been laying in bed, not sleeping, trying to figure out how to honor my two babies. Do I think my dogs are mad? No. It’s not like that. It’s for me. Not for them. I want something that expresses how important they were to me. It all sounds so stupid in my head. They are ashes. Not my dogs. I mean…

If I plant a tree with the ashes in the yard, and later I move, I can’t take the tree with me. Why does that matter? It sounds stupid and yet the thought upsets me.

So what if I make a cement stone with the ashes? I could take that with me if I move. Wtf good is a stone going to do me? Am I going to sit out by a stone? It sounds so stupid.

What if I spread the ashes someplace I know they would have enjoyed? Sounds stupid right? It’s alright, you can say it, I know it sounds stupid.

I still have no idea what I’m going to do. I guess I’ll google “cool things to do with cremains” and see what comes up. But here’s the point I guess. I’m going to embrace the fact that it sounds stupid and I’m going to not care. I’m going to find something that feels right in my heart, even if it sounds stupid, and I’m going to do it. Because dusting them FEELS stupid and I can’t embrace that at all.

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Sweet Molly-Moo and Loki-pokey (when Loki was just a pup)

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My big girl, Loki, all grown up.

I sure do miss them both!