And here. And here. And….
My front porch is flooding. Which is also seeping through my front door. And eventually to my basement I’m sure. I could curse the universe for not giving me a front porch with an overhang that would prevent the runoff from dropping right outside my door. Or I could be angry at the previous owners for not fixing the existing slab so it would drain off properly or for not finishing the install of the heat tape to keep the gutters from freezing over. I can be mad at my husband for not doing his “blue” job of properly clearing the snow from the porch and the roof (and the sidewalks for that matter) before it iced in the polar vortex or before today’s rains came. I could go on. Of course I could. But I am accountable and…
Accountability begins where responsibility ends.
I was not responsible so now I am accountable. I embraced my accountability by getting dressed for rain and using my meat tenderizer and grill spatula to break up and pry up the ice from the porch in the hopes that some of the water would drain. Now I’m soaked. And cold. And so angry at myself. It’s not just the porch. It’s everything! I am both too old for this shit and too young for this shit.
I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of being accountable. I want/need to be responsible. Well meaning friends tell me I work hard. I do a lot. I can’t do it all. And that’s only a 1/2 truth. For every one thing I do there are 14 I could have done. Probably 6 I SHOULD have done. So I’ll try to embrace my responsibility and at least do the 6 things I should do. It’ll take time and practice I’m sure. But I’m gonna try! I know it’s worth it because I know this feeling isn’t worth all the time I spent not doing what I should have.