I have been sitting here all day being angry. And depressed. Two things I have dealt with my entire life. It occurs to me that I have been dealing with these two things the same way my entire life. That my friends, is the true definition of insanity. I am insane because I keep expecting things to be different! I convince myself that I am going to do things differently. It’s similar to justifying a purchase in your head. I tell myself it’s different but it’s really all the same. How do I know? Because it ends the same. The same ending every time.
I have been spending a lot of time with my Guru. She’s the me I wish to be when I grow up. Tough as nails but soft and wise. The kind of smart ass that makes you think. She knows how to do so much! Cooking, baking, sewing, metal work, wood work. She amazes me. She’s great with kids. Stern but loving. She isn’t perfect but she’s perfectly flawed. At any rate, I bring her up because there’s something she has said on a regular basis. She says it to me for almost every problem I have. Whether it’s my child that struggles in school or me with my sewing. She always says “When did you last feel successful? We need to go backwards to where you felt successful and build from there. No matter how far back you need to go.”
So how far back do I need to go to feel successful? I have never felt successful at life in general. Bummer. Well then I guess I need to break that down into parts. There are parts. There are times I felt, for that brief shining moment, like I rock! I need to create a collection of those moments. That’s all life is anyway. Moments. There will be bad moments but I need to build more good ones into my collection. More successes. Guru says that if you can’t have some nice, fairly quick and easy wins outta the gate, you give up.
I need some wins. And I need to record the wins so I can remember them because I have a hard time remembering the wins. I can’t give up. Being angry and depressed doesn’t help. My friends can’t fix it. I have to get some nice easy wins. I have to build my own moments. I have to embrace the hard lessons and build off the successes. I have to stop justifying the crap in my head. I have to do the work! I have to hope for a different ending and have faith in myself that I can make it happen. I can be the woman I want to be. One success at a time!