I can’t sleep because my mind is running so I thought I’d blog about it.
I’m behind schedule on my chores, with the holidays and all, and today I noticed that my urns are very dusty. These urns contain the ashes of my beloved dogs, Molly and Loki. This of course made me sad and upset with myself. How could I let them get dusty like that. This led me to wondering, what the hell am I going to do with these?! Letting them sit around was never the plan. But let’s go back a little in time for the sake of discussion.
I have family and friends who paid big bucks to get their pets cremated and, I’ll be honest here, at the time I thought they were batshit crazy! I mean seriously, $300 to cremate a dog? It’s just a dog. I love my dogs but, well, they are dogs. Whatever. It’s not my money. This was the attitude I had until the day that my sweet Loki died very suddenly.
She collapsed in the driveway one morning. We rushed her to the vets but she was already gone when we got there. I just couldn’t believe it. My husband was in tears. He wouldn’t even come into the vets. They left me to say goodbye to my big sweet dog but before that, they talked to me about what I wanted to do with her body. They explained all the options. I just couldn’t bare the thought of her going in some mass grave. So, batshit crazy, I paid $300 for private cremation and an urn. I don’t regret it.
Fast forward a little over a year. Loki’s urn had been sitting in a place of honor. This might sound awful but Molly was almost 13 when Loki died so I held off on doing anything with ashes because I knew Molly probably wouldn’t be that far behind. When poor old Molly finally did have to be put down, I had her cremated privately and her ashes returned just like Loki. It was this same time last year in fact, so the weather was horrible and I was going to do something in the Spring or Summer.
Spring and Summer came and went of course. I never decided exactly what to do with them. Those urns are right where I put them the day they came home. And now I dust them. Or I don’t, which is even worse. So I’ve been laying in bed, not sleeping, trying to figure out how to honor my two babies. Do I think my dogs are mad? No. It’s not like that. It’s for me. Not for them. I want something that expresses how important they were to me. It all sounds so stupid in my head. They are ashes. Not my dogs. I mean…
If I plant a tree with the ashes in the yard, and later I move, I can’t take the tree with me. Why does that matter? It sounds stupid and yet the thought upsets me.
So what if I make a cement stone with the ashes? I could take that with me if I move. Wtf good is a stone going to do me? Am I going to sit out by a stone? It sounds so stupid.
What if I spread the ashes someplace I know they would have enjoyed? Sounds stupid right? It’s alright, you can say it, I know it sounds stupid.
I still have no idea what I’m going to do. I guess I’ll google “cool things to do with cremains” and see what comes up. But here’s the point I guess. I’m going to embrace the fact that it sounds stupid and I’m going to not care. I’m going to find something that feels right in my heart, even if it sounds stupid, and I’m going to do it. Because dusting them FEELS stupid and I can’t embrace that at all.
I sure do miss them both!