Hot Mess Hump Day

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I think I have done next to nothing for the past week. I don’t know why. There are thousands of things I’d like to do but I’m not doing them. Just can’t get my ass in gear. I’m forcing myself to do the basics but nothing more. I don’t feel crabby. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel restless and bored yet I sit. Wtf. Very annoying.

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Here’s a flower.

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Seriously?! Gluten-Free Bacon?!

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This going TO FAR!!

I’m sorry my Gluten-Free friends but this is crazy. Unless your allergy is so severe that you need an epi pen or medical ID bracelet, ALL BACON IS GLUTEN FREE! IT’S FUCKING BACON!

I feel bad for the class A suckers that will pay extra for gluten free bacon. Bacon is natures candy. Just eat your bacon. Stop being so damn psychotic. For fuck’s sake. What is wrong with the World. 😦

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The truth is like a wild animal.

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Rare is the person who will walk up to a bear in the wild and snap a leash on it. So it is with the truth as well.

Most people need to prepare to face the truth. They first learn of its existence in their world. Then they study it and observe its true nature. They talk to other people who have seen the truth and captured it to see how they did it. There is generally, between each and every step, a section of time where they deny the truth exists or what it’s true nature is but they keep watching. And researching. And planning their own method of capture.

At some point they begin to feel ready. The first attempt tends to end with them running, screaming, in the opposite direction. But at least at that point they understand what they are facing. They debate whether they really are ready. They make excuses for failure. Lay blame on lack of support from friends and family. Some never try again. They lay in bed at night quaking in fear, waiting for the truth to come gobble them up in the night. Some try and try again and their victory changes their life for the better. It provides nourishment for the soul. Warmth for the heart.

I have been, for quite some time, a guide for those that seek the truth. They call me. They call when they need a glimpse of the truth. Again when they need to know what its true nature is. Again when they need to know how to capture it. Again when they think they are ready and want company along the road. I watch them sneak up on the truth. Step by step. I am always sad when they don’t follow my advice and run screaming or worse yet are mauled, but I understand the need to do it on your own.

The truth demands respect. The truth is so should I. The truth is what it is, it doesn’t try to be something it’s not. The truth CAN set you free, but it can also eat you alive if you aren’t careful. The truth can always help you, if you let it. The truth and I have had our differences. I am not always in the mood to hunt it down. It comes looking for me when I ignore it. I think we manage to co-exist though.

How about you?

Better late than never…All about HUGS

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Most days I love a hug. Who doesn’t? Well, some people don’t, but they are probably communists. Sometimes I don’t. I was thinking about hugs and how strange it is that I like them at all. In general I have personal space issues, so you would think hugging would be a huge no-no for me. Most of the time though, I’ll hug just about anyone. I think they are comforting.

When I adopted my sweet Molly dog, I remember seeing on her form that she was a “safe hug” dog. The idea that there were dogs who weren’t never crossed my mind. The idea that there were people who weren’t hadn’t crossed my mind either. But think about it. Hugs can be safe but they can also be restrictive. Captured more than comforted. Sometimes they feel more like this:

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I was thinking hugging probably didn’t start out as something natural. I was trying to imagine cavemen being ok with being held. But I realized, we are programmed from birth to see it as security and comfort. Most babies love to be swaddled and/or cuddled up tight. So something changes that to a sense of restrained. Is that something different for everyone? Is it a right of passage that happens to everyone? I wonder about these things. I have a million questions now about hugs and other people’s perceptions. I don’t know what exactly makes a “don’t hug me” day start for me. Sometimes it’s because I feel insecure and vulnerable. Sometimes it’s general anxiety. I can always feel it though. Those are the days when I can’t even stand for my kids to hug me because it feels like a weight that will crush me. These days are few but they do happen. I always hope the next one will be the last.

So tell me, how do you feel about hugs?

Am I doing this right?!

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I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I suck. Fear drives me. 30+ years worrying about failing, not being good enough, what people think of me. Those first 20 years were so bad that even with awesome support for the last 10+ years, I still think I suck. I went through Hell AND High Water to amass this support network. Made choices others thought were crazy to create this life. It’s RARE that my instincts are wrong, yet I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve listened to them.

So, I have this blog. It was meant to be a place where I displayed the before and afters of my life. A project to get my life on track. To be a grown up. What I’ve learned, however, is that being a grown up SUCKS. LIFE SUCKS. Mostly life is made up of mundane, everyday crap. There’s also quite a bit of really terrible thrown in. My fear makes me miss the little bits of awesome though. I can’t enjoy things because I’m worried if I’m doing it right. This blog included. I haven’t posted because I don’t want to whine, or complain and most days are kinda suckish. Why would people want to read suckish everyday? And I won’t post cause I don’t have a cool picture.

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That’s a sea lamprey and they suck. Literally. They also scare the shit outta me. Google that shit and tell me that isn’t creepy as fuck. But I digress. The point is I’m doing it wrong BECAUSE I’m so damn worried about doing it wrong. Well really I’m just not doing it at all. It’s got to stop. I’m missing it all.

So be fore warned. I’m going to try to post something every day! Most of it will be suckish. I might not have pictures, though I’m making it my mission to put a pic of SOMETHING on every post.

I want something from you though readers. There aren’t many of you, I know, but leave a comment. Share the suckish. Or the awesome. Or whatever. This is life and we’re kinda all in this together.

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Growing Old Gracefully…

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Um, NO. I never thought I’d be one of those women. Never. I adore little old ladies. I love their wrinkles. So imagine my surprise, as I stood in front of the mirror in dismay, checking out my ONE droopy eyelid! I’m sure the other eyelid will droop by the end of the year.

Having had so many surgeries, I have no fear of them, so suddenly I make a mental list. Not the “gee if I was rich” list. The “I will sell a kidney if I have to list”. And it feels like a really long one. And I don’t care if it scars.

I’d like to grow old gracefully but I don’t think I can.