“The only way out is through”
Robert Frost said that. He was a smart guy.
I’ve been trying to be an adult. Being an adult seems mostly to suck. You get to an age where you say, “Holy Shit, I’m a grown up. What the hell am I doing?!” You suddenly realize you’ve been making choices that aren’t very grown up and all the mistakes become abundantly clear to you. You’re left standing there saying, “My God what have I done!”
I had a fight with my husband. The kind that makes you wonder if this will be the day you look back at as the beginning of the end. All the adult “rules of fighting” say I’m not suppose to post to a blog or social media site about these kinds of things but I think other people struggle and its good for them to see they aren’t alone. I’m not going into detail about our particular fight, that’s private, but I can talk about this thing that’s happening to me. I wanted to be an adult and here I am given one of the hardest opportunities to do so.
The only way out is through. It’s not like when you’re little. There is no “end” of this fight. There is an attempt at search and rescue. Searching for the pieces that can be picked up and cleaned off, maybe restored to their former purpose. Some pieces, I’m sure, will be repurposed. Then comes the rebuilding. I think that will take the longest. We aren’t kids anymore. We don’t just forget what hurts us and go back to playing. Fighting isn’t about winning anymore either. It’s about resolution. Compromise. Those things are hard.
I can’t pretend this fight didn’t happen. I can’t go on like everything is the same. I can’t not go on. We have kids. Kids who have no idea, and shouldn’t, that there is a problem. So daily life must go on. We must be able to work together. We have to decide what to rebuild.
The only way out is through. I spent some time debating if I wanted to just go through alone. But I don’t. I don’t want to go through alone. I want my partner, my mate, my One, to go through with me. Even though it makes me uncomfortable right now. Adults work through things that are uncomfortable. Adults look at the Big Picture and make choices to do things that are uncomfortable, or even painful, because they know that Big Picture is worth it.
The only way out is through. There is no backwards here. No reset button to push. Push through. So I’m standing there, looking ahead with fear and dread, psyching myself up to move through. Push past. Go forward. The longer I stand here the longer I’m stuck in this spot.
The only way out is through….