Well today the Hubs got a promotion and a big raise. At least I think it’s big. I’m kinda use to raises that are in the “X” more per hour vs the “X” more per year, so it sure feels like a big number to me. At any rate, we already filed for the B but we haven’t even gotten to our first court date, so getting a raise is almost a bad thing. And it’s not that I mind having a higher monthly payment, but it just makes things so complicated when I thought it was all set and so, here I am, after midnight with my brain whirring away about expenses etc. All of which got me to thinking about what I want outta life and all kinds of other weird life stuff. Like:
Holy shit, my husband goes to work where he is the exact opposite of the “I can’t make a choice about anything to save my life guy” or the “I can’t possible get my ass of this couch guy” or the “I have no idea what is going on around me guy” that I get at home. At work he is kick ass, “the guy you need if you want your shit done, done fast and done right” guy. Like a real fucking grown-up. OMG like my DAD! Which should make me “June Cleaver in boots, kicking ass on the home front like a real fucking grown-up” kind of Lady, but alas, I don’t feel that way at ALL! So….
WTF is wrong with me. Which leads me to the “What the Hell do I want” thing. So, I’m thinking….
I want my house to look like at least one grown ass person lives here. Preferably one that has a sense of style or at the very least isn’t a color-blind slob. (*Please note I have a friend that is color-blind and I mean no offense. Please do not send me letters or post comments about how color-blind people can still manage to have nicely done homes) Nothing here matches and the paint, still from the previous owners, is so horrible. Like really fucking horrible. So Hubs gets a raise and we should be able to do small projects, like paint, but because of the Big B, we probably aren’t really going to see all that money.
But I want to be like a real grown up. I want my kids to have decent rooms. I want my house to be a warm comfy place for the Hubs to relax after a day filled with being kick ass. I want to take my dogs to the vet, on time to get their shots. And their nails cut. I want us all to get hair cuts. And the cars to be up to date on maintenance. I want to be able to finish/start all the stupid projects at the house. I’m not talking the big stuff, like windows, or a new kitchen, or a pool. I mean finishing the tile upstairs. Painting. Refinishing the floors ourselves. All things that are under $500 but cost sweat equity. I want to take the kids on some short, in-state road trips. Or to the fucking movies. I want some fucking dental work.
I just want a normal, average, grown-up life. I want to not look around at my house, my kids and the Hubs and think to myself: “How did I get here?!”
I guess I really just want to feel like I belong. Like I’m not a pretender. Like I can actually do this Mom/Wife/Grown Woman thing. Like I’m not going to get busted for being an Impostor.
That’s not to much to ask for is it?