I want and other things


Well today the Hubs got a promotion and a big raise. At least I think it’s big. I’m kinda use to raises that are in the “X” more per hour vs the “X” more per year, so it sure feels like a big number to me.  At any rate, we already filed for the B but we haven’t even gotten to our first court date, so getting a raise is almost a bad thing. And it’s not that I mind having a higher monthly payment, but it just makes things so complicated when I thought it was all set and so, here I am, after midnight with my brain whirring away about expenses etc. All of which got me to thinking about what I want outta life and all kinds of other weird life stuff. Like:

Holy shit, my husband goes to work where he is the exact opposite of the “I can’t make a choice about anything to save my life guy” or the “I can’t possible get my ass of this couch guy” or the “I have no idea what is going on around me guy” that I get at home. At work he is kick ass, “the guy you need if you want your shit done, done fast and done right” guy. Like a real fucking grown-up. OMG like my DAD! Which should make me “June Cleaver in boots, kicking ass on the home front like a real fucking grown-up” kind of Lady, but alas, I don’t feel that way at ALL! So….

WTF is wrong with me. Which leads me to the “What the Hell do I want” thing. So, I’m thinking….

I want my house to look like at least one grown ass person lives here. Preferably one that has a sense of style or at the very least isn’t a color-blind slob. (*Please note I have a friend that is color-blind and I mean no offense. Please do not send me letters or post comments about how color-blind people can still manage to have nicely done homes) Nothing here matches and the paint, still from the previous owners, is so horrible. Like really fucking horrible. So Hubs gets a raise and we should be able to do small projects, like paint, but because of the Big B, we probably aren’t really going to see all that money.

But I want to be like a real grown up. I want my kids to have decent rooms. I want my house to be a warm comfy place for the Hubs to relax after a day filled with being kick ass. I want to take my dogs to the vet, on time to get their shots. And their nails cut. I want us all to get hair cuts. And the cars to be up to date on maintenance. I want to be able to finish/start all the stupid projects at the house. I’m not talking the big stuff, like windows, or a new kitchen, or a pool. I mean finishing the tile upstairs. Painting.  Refinishing the floors ourselves. All things that are under $500 but cost sweat equity. I want to take the kids on some short, in-state road trips. Or to the fucking movies. I want some fucking dental work.

I just want a normal, average, grown-up life. I want to not look around at my house, my kids and the Hubs and think to myself: “How did I get here?!”

I guess I really just want to feel like I belong. Like I’m not a pretender. Like I can actually do this Mom/Wife/Grown Woman thing. Like I’m not going to get busted for being an Impostor.

That’s not to much to ask for is it?


Sleep, or the lack there of


I miss sleep. Real sleep at least. I remember when I could go to bed and sleep for 8-10 hours uninterrupted. Now I’m excited about 3. I suspect that broken sleep may be worse than none.

I get in bed and realize my whole body hurts. I can’t get comfortable, then my brain starts running. And running. And running. Eventually I have to pee. 2-3 hours later I fall asleep. 2 hours after that I wake up again. For no reason known to me. Once I’m awake, you guessed it, I have to pee again. This time I can go right back to sleep. For 2 more hours or so. Then boom. Awake again.

I’m so tired. It’s been months now Iike this. I just want some real sleep. I miss real sleep.



Comfort. Like a soft warm bed in the sun. Or….

Hard to see, I know. It’s the stars from my porch. That one you can see is actually Jupiter. Orion is below it. A month or so ago you couldn’t see Orion. It’s a winter constellation. But it’s there. Every season. A constant.

I have always bucked the routine. Always. I hate schedules. Yet I crave one. Never more than now. I no longer thrive in the chaos. Maybe that’s what makes you a grown up. I don’t know. But I want it. I’m tired of change. I want sameness. I want comfort. I want to know what to expect. I want peace.

I want my sky to be the same every season. I want my life to be the same every season. Ironic, I want change to bring about some sameness.

I want to sleep. In a fluffy bed. Under my same sky. Peace.

Core values


This election has really screwed me up. Thank you social networks. The problem is not Blue vs Red for me. While I certainly lean towards the Blue, there are many Reds I have liked, very much. But this election, the man the Reds put up had core values that were so contradictory to my own that it actually changed how I feel about about some of my friends.

It’s not a difference of opinion. It’s a difference of core values. A difference of opinions I can accept. Core values are not so easy to overlook. How can I be friends with people who think so little of others. For that matter, how can people I thought were so giving and loving support someone who degrades so many? Someone who thinks highly only of those who fit his narrow view of normal? I just don’t know how to make this ok in my head. It’s just so sad.

I think maybe I’m going to lose some friends. 😦

What if…


…when you die the only parts left of you are the parts you leave behind in other people? What if when you die your just gone? No heaven, no hell, no reincarnation. No soul to go back to the universe. What if your soul is nothing more than the culmination of parts of yourself you gave away during your lifetime. What if there is no after at all?

If you soul is really like a bottomless well that your meant to empty in THIS life, are you doing it? What if your soul is like money and you can’t take it with you? Shouldn’t you spend it now? Shouldn’t you take care to leave it in trust for those you love so it doesn’t go to waste?

I think it is like that. I think I’m not spending enough. I think I’d like to spend every last penny of my soul before I die. I don’t think you get to take it with you. I don’t think it needs saved and I don’t think it can be sold. Spend it. Spend it all.